Babysitting with Quotation Marks
by AsianAnimator
Summary: Bayonetta spluttered and choked on the tea she was drinking, then slammed the cup onto the table beside her with so much force that it shattered into a bajillion pieces. Oh, and the table shattered, too. "What?" she croaked, her voice uncharacteristically raspy from her disbelief. What kind of heartless monster would mercilessly shove her into a story revolving around children?
1. Chapter 1: Bootleg Splatoon

_Content for this chapter..._

Date: 5th March 2017  
Overview: Just an introduction, nothing too fancy, but it does include my slightly above average attempt at humour. :^)  
Main Characters: Bayonetta, Toon Link, Ness, Lucas, Villager  
Side Characters: Peach, Master Hand, Mega Man  
Word Count: 2,373

* * *

 _ **Chapter One: Bootleg Splatoon**_

 _"No, no, no! Absolutely not!"_

 **"But Peach-"** Master Hand almost whined, until he was rudely cut off by the Princess.

"Master Hand, I am _not_ going to sit through another second of utter chaos with those little devils!" the blonde outraged.

 **"You're exaggerating, right?"** he asked hopefully.

"Not at all!" Peach fumed.

The floating glove heaved a sigh of exasperation. **"Alright, fine. Have it your way, then. I've got no time for this..."**

He continued sternly, pointing a giant gloved finger at Peach, **"But if those children get hurt or get into any sort of trouble today, you're taking the blame."**

And with that, the floating glove snapped his fingers and teleported away. Peach huffed in irritation, crossing her arms grumpily. She had made it clear that she would keep to her word and never, ever babysit the children ever again. But Master Hand was notorious for his unreasonable punishments, and the princess had no intention of receiving the short end of the stick. The cogs in her head started to turn... And the princess's eyes lit up at the idea that popped in her head.

She would make someone else do the job!

But who? Most of the cast were busy in a tournament, or already had their share of spending time with the children. She would usually rely on Rosalina for these kind of things, but alas, she was probably off dededestroying King Dedede somewhere. After a great deal of thinking, Peach concluded with the perfect someone. Someone who hadn't spent any time with the children and generated so much salt that Master Hand had to limit the number of tournaments she could attend.

Bayonetta.

The raven-haired witch knew that they existed, but didn't really care otherwise. She'd much rather be a nuisance to the rest of the Smashers, especially Samus. The bounty hunter had been subject to many, many of her pranks, or 'social experiments', as the witch called them. Sending her to the children would be an obvious choice. It was killing two birds with one stone! Grinning in victory, Peach dashed out of the room to find the Umbra Witch.

But of course, it never occurred to the princess that the witch would get along perfectly with the children; especially with that common trait of theirs.

"Hey Bayo!" Peach called out to the witch, who was lounging on a sofa with a newspaper in one hand and a teacup in the other.

The witch looked up curiously from the semi-interesting article she was reading about an orange man trying to build a wall around a certain country where countless McDonald's outlets reign supreme.

"You free right now?" Peach asked.

Bayonetta placed the article on her lap and purred, " _Very._ "

Peach ignored her seductive tone with a not-very-subtle eye-roll. Fortunately, the witch was occupied with her cup of tea. "You know about the usual troublemakers, right?" the princess asked.

The witch cast her a look of complete and utter disinterest, but replied anyway, "I'm incredibly tempted to say no, Princess. This better be good."

"Great! You'll be babysitting them for a while."

Bayonetta spluttered and choked on the tea she was drinking, then slammed the cup onto the table beside her with so much force that it shattered into a bajillion pieces. Oh, and the table shattered, too. "What?" she croaked, her voice uncharacteristically raspy from her disbelief.

Peach giggled at her reaction. "You heard me. Babysitting!"

"No, no, no! Absolutely not!" the witch protested.

"Oh? And why's that?" Peach asked innocently.

"Uh... Tournaments!" Bayonetta exclaimed, getting up hastily. "Yes, I've got tournaments later on! Might as well snag a few wins before the next nerf, am I right or am I right?"

"Bayo, you're not getting nerfed again. Besides, I checked with Mario before this, and he said your name wasn't on any tournament today."

An incredibly colourful string of curses poured out from the witch as she slammed a hand on her face. Bayonetta slumped back onto the sofa and heaved an exasperated groan. "Get someone _else_ to do it..."

"But you have to!" Peach exclaimed and realised how loud she sounded. She cleared her throat self-consciously and explained, "It's, uh, Master Hand's orders. Master Orders, if you will, haha..."

Bayonetta raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

"No, no, nothing of the sort!" Peach insisted.

"I don't believe you."

The Mushroom Princess was beginning to lose her patience. "Just go, before they escape!"

Bayonetta smirked in amusement. "Did you quarantine them properly?"

"Um... yes? No...?" Peach shook her head and huffed. "Nevermind! Go on, shoo!"

Before Bayonetta could shoot a snark at the princess, she pushed her off the sofa, into the winding corridors, past a confused Mario, and finally in front of a room with a bright yellow danger sign hanging loosely on its door.

"Okay, have fun, bye!" Peach babbled, skedaddling away as fast as her dress allowed her to.

Bayonetta scowled and folded her arms in petty irritation. "Who did she think she was, pushing me around like that?" she grumbled.

Just then, the witch heard a loud crash coming from the room, followed by a not-very-okay sounding "I'm okay". Bayonetta tried opening the door, but it was either stuck or locked. Assuming the latter, she turned around, whistling innocently, (if she had pockets, she would've stuffed her hands in them) right before a silver key flew towards her. Instinctively, she triggered witch time, causing the identified flying object to float in a small void of purple.

The witch plucked the key from mid-air and twisted it into the keyhole with a sigh. "What lies through the door to Wonderland..."

As Bayonetta stepped into the 'quarantine', she immediately had to duck as a blob of red paint flew over her head, splattering messily onto the wall. She huffed in irritation.

Ness, who was taking cover underneath a paint-splattered cardboard box, wriggled his paint-splattered head out and yelled, "Who goes there?!"

The witch muttered flatly, "Me."

"Who's 'me'?" Another muffled voice joined in.

Ness giggled and screeched, "It's Princess Turdstool!"

The unknown voice declared, "Then let's kill her!"

With a gasp, she dodged the hail of paint bullets flying towards her by diving across the rectangular room. "I'm not Peach, damn it!"

The onslaught of paint paused for a moment. A young blond Hylian peeked his head out from behind the pale green sofa at the end of the room. "Hey, it's Mayonetta!" he exclaimed in surprise.

"Nailed it," she muttered.

Wanting to stick with his earlier joke, Ness asked, feigning innocence, "What are you guys talkin' abo-"

He broke off with a gasp as red paint pelted onto the back of his head. He dove back into the box, and edged behind the sofa closer to where Bayonetta was. Farther into the room, Toon Link and Lucas high-fived each other, laughing victoriously.

Suddenly, Villager popped out from one of the cushions and pulled out an incredibly realistic assault rifle from his incredibly unrealistic pocket. Bayonetta didn't even bother stopping him as he fired blue paint bullets at the opposing team, his aim going haywire with the recoil. They could get hurt, for all she cared. They _were_ Smashers, after all. They could easily survive a few paint bullets to the head. Instead, she looked around the room, narrowing her eyes as she saw Mega Man sprawled out in a pool of crimson, his eyes dull and lifeless.

"May I ask... Is Astro Boy over there alright?"

Bayonetta heard Ness's muffled response from the box, "Yeah, I'm sure he's fine!"

"He's just having a break! It's like a low-battery mode for him!" Toon Link piped up from across the room. Villager took the opportunity to head-shot him with blue bullets, making the Hylian yelp in surprise and duck behind the sofa.

Bayonetta tilted her head slightly to the side and blinked in bafflement. To no one in particular, she murmured, "Okay..."

"DON'T STEAL MY TAUNT!" Ness screeched and flung a slab of blue paint at Bayonetta, who easily sidestepped away from it. A light-bulb went off somewhere in her head. She should, at the very least, have _some_ fun while being in this horrible, _horrible_ quarantine.

She grinned audaciously and mimicked the young psychic, even going as far as doing the little nod, _"Okay."_

Immediately afterwards, a battle cry exploded from Ness as he shot a hail of blue paint towards the witch with his psychic powers. She dodged them by diving over the sofa, triggering witch time in the process.

Ness screeched in fury, "I told you guys witch time had to be nerfed! I TOLD YOU!"

Bayonetta snuck a peek from the edge of the sofa, but the psychic was prepared. He immediately shot a slab of blue paint towards the witch. Unfortunately for Ness, Bayonetta was prepared, too. With lightning-quick reflexes, she dived back to safety, but unfortunately for Bayonetta, the slab of paint redirected its path towards her, and the witch yelped in surprise before she was left with a blue splattered face. She cursed in irritation, pulling her glasses off to regain her vision.

The Umbra Witch felt someone tugging on her weaves, and looked down to find Villager beside her. He was completely drenched in red, and his eyes gleamed with mischief. The sight somehow disconcerted her, sending a chill down her spine. Not to mention the fact that he appeared there without any warning or sound. Villager offered the assault rifle to her and pointed eagerly at the opposing team. Bayonetta regained her composure and flashed him a smirk. She took the weapon from his hands, ruffling his paint-soaked hair playfully. After all, she couldn't turn down a free gun. "I like how you think, little one."

Rapid gunshots filled the room, much to the dismay of the Red Team.

"Dude! You already have Mega Man on your team!" Lucas whined, completely oblivious to the fact that the not-so-super fighting robot had passed out in a pool of crimson red... paint.

Villager made a few angry hand gestures, which Toon Link kindly translated. "Mega Man bloody died, and Ness went full retard over the taunt, so that leaves the two of us."

Lucas glanced at the psychic, who was furiously and aimlessly flailing paint at Bayonetta. Needless to say, all of his shots missed. The blond psychic blinked in bewilderment.

"I guess it's understanda-" Lucas broke off with a yelp as a splodge of blue splattered smack on his face.

"Less talk, more shooting," Bayonetta interjected. Just then, the rifle stopped firing. It had run out of ammo, making the witch scowl in irritation. Her handguns never had this problem. "Requesting back-up! Villager! Do you read?!"

Villager jumped and made a beeline towards a supply of paint bottles, ammunition and make-shift bombs. His mouth flew open as he skidded on the floor, slamming straight onto Mega Man. The robot jolted awake with a snork, his eyes illuminating again.

"This won't do. This won't do at all..." Bayonetta contemplated in dismay. The floor had a thick layer of red and blue paint lathered all over. They needed a fresh new place for their little game. "Let's relocate, then we'll have an excellent game of real life Splatoon."

The children's expressions lit up upon hearing her suggestion.

Mega Man had snapped out of his weary and confused state, only to whine, "No way! The adults won't allow it!"

"Silly little robot." Bayonetta playfully booped his nose. "I am an adult."

"Y-yeah, but, it's against the rules!" he protested.

"Rules are meant to be broken, little one."

"B-but-"

"RULES ARE MEANT TO BE BROKEN!" the children yelled in agreement, cutting off poor ol' Mega Man.

Bayonetta grinned in approval. "It'll be fine. If anything goes south, we'll just pin the blame on the princess."

"But... there's just one problem," Lucas interrupted. "You see, we're not allowed out of this room, and if anyone catches us outside, we're gonna get an hour long lecture from Princess Turdstool."

The children giggled at the nickname.

"That won't be a problem," Bayonetta remarked casually. She drew a large circle in the air with a finger, forming a purple Umbran portal. She stepped into Purgatorio and disappeared from the children's sight.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" her voice echoed from the other side.

The children's eyes gleamed in delight, and they followed the witch into the realm, chirping in excitement.

* * *

 **. . .**

 **. . . . . . .**

 **. . .**

* * *

Master Hand paused doing his paperwork. He felt something nagging at him, tugging at the end of his gloved fingers. Whenever the Smashers decided to do something stupid, his sixth sense would activate, indicating that something was amiss.

Letting his instinct take over, he floated throughout the mansion, trying to locate where the racket came from. It seemed to be coming from the main hall, the largest room in the Mansion. He pushed open the door, and was greeted with an absolute orgy of colours and wind-borne slabs of red and blue paint.

 **"What in the wo-"**

The floating glove broke off as he ducked under a red grenade. He watched, his index finger twitching, as it exploded behind him, splattering him with crimson. He whipped around menacingly, like how cliched murderers would turn to face their victims. The red paint added a nice touch to it, too.

As soon as Master Hand saw Ness holding a sniper rifle, he screeched, **"PEACH!"**

"ABORT MISSION!" the psychic shrieked and dived beside a flipped table, where he disappeared into an Umbran portal out of sight from the floating glove.

Master Hand furiously teleported Peach beside him, throwing her into a flurry of confusion. The princess's eyes grew as round as dish plates upon viewing the scene in front of her. **"You're going to clean this mess by _tonight_."**

Meanwhile, Bayonetta ushered the remaining children into Purgatorio, careful not to alert Master Hand of their presence. Together, they listened to Peach's feeble protests, giggling in amusement and exchanging friendly high-fives.

"What's next?" Toon Link spoke up, looking at the witch expectantly.

Bayonetta stared at the paint-drenched bunch. They stared back, still bubbling and fizzling with exhilaration. A fond smile etched itself onto her features.

"What's next..." she hummed, "...is a well-needed bath."

* * *

 _ **A/N.**_

Finally, the first chapter's done! Hopefully I'll be able to update this regularly... I wanna contribute some premium-quality, ultra-soft Bayonetta to this cesspool of a website. Look forward to Mummy Bayo in later chapters... Lord knows we need more of that. Lord also knows that I need more reviews. :)


	2. Chapter 2: Operation Sweet-Spot

_Content for this chapter..._

Date: 1st May 2017 (There goes the plan of publishing regularly... Welp.)  
Overview: A nice, small adventure in the depths of the mansion. Might be a little too dialogue-heavy, though.  
Main Characters: Bayonetta, Ness, Lucas, Toon Link  
Side Characters: Kirby, Dedede  
Word Count: 2,408

* * *

 ** _Chapter Two: Operation Sweet Spot_**

Bayonetta hummed a familiar tune as she strolled through the Mansion's hallways, cradling a very contented Kirby in her arms. The little one giggled in delight as she gently tickled his cheeks. "Why are you so adorable?"

"Poyo!" Kirby chirped innocently.

The witch wasn't one to giggle, but the ball of pink in her arms made it impossible to resist. She stopped walking to playfully nuzzle Kirby's head, making him squeal cheerfully. Satisfied with their tiny cuddling session, Bayonetta looked up, only to realise that she had ended up in front of a certain door with a certain yellow danger sign on it.

The witch wondered why her long, shapely legs brought her back to the quarantine, of all places. However, she couldn't deny that she did have an unexpected amount of fun during their little game that day; more fun than teasing Samus about her parents, and that endeavour was fun on a whole other level. It wouldn't hurt to pay a little visit to the children, would it?

Bayonetta looked at the puffball in her arms. "Shall we?"

Kirby nodded in agreement, his ultramarine eyes gleaming in excitement. Before Bayonetta could even reach out to twist the doorknob, a loud crash exploded into earshot. She heaved a sigh of exasperation and pushed the door open.

"FREEZE!"

A soap-soaked sponge flung itself at the witch. Hastily, Bayonetta slammed the door shut to shield herself, and immediately heard the squelch of sponge against wood. Kirby looked up at her questioningly.

"False alarm, it's Bayo!" Ness's voice sounded from inside the room.

Reassured, Bayonetta tried opening the door fully, but something blocked its path. She peered through the gap out of curiosity, only to find a swirly-eyed Lucas partially buried in a pile of white... soap bubbles.

"Uh... Is this a bad time, or...?" she asked the children awkwardly.

"Nah, you can come in!" Toon Link called out from farther in the room. "Hey, you brought Kirby!"

The puffball wriggled out of her grip and hopped enthusiastically towards the children. Meanwhile, Bayonetta picked Lucas up by the back of his T-shirt collar and vigorously shook him awake. "I don't wanna go to school..." he whined, still in a daze. The psychic blinked a few times, then yelped in alarm upon seeing the witch.

Bayonetta smirked in amusement. "Are you alright, little one?"

"Y-yeah, I-I'm fine," he stuttered. "Can you put me down, please?"

"What's the matter? Afraid of heights, darling?" the witch teased.

"Yes! I mean, uh... No!" Lucas peered down at the floor. "Maybe?"

Bayonetta tipped her head to the side, but heeded the blond's request. He would have slipped on the wet floor if it weren't for the witch's legs behind him to break his fall. Lucas looked up and grinned sheepishly. Bayonetta had to admit: He definitely seemed like a sweet little cinnamon roll, like what everyone said. They walked towards Toon Link and Ness, who were crowding around Kirby, giggling and chirping like birds on a wire.

"I'm curious, little ones. What are you supposed to be doing here?" Bayonetta asked.

Toon Link let out an exaggerated groan. "Princess Turdstool made us clean the paint off the walls..."

The witch took a good ol' gander around the room. The walls were doused with an unsightly mixture of suds and paint. Buckets of soapy water were upturned, creating a bubbly mess around the room. A variety of different coloured sponges littered the floor, some even floating on the shallow puddles.

"I'm sure you all did a _great_ job," she purred, cracking a wry smile of amusement.

"We did?" Ness asked eagerly, his expression lit up like lights on a Chrimbus tree.

Toon Link cuffed the side of his head, making him yelp in surprise. "It was sarcasm, dingus."

"You know, little ones. Perhaps I could lend you a hand here." Bayonetta clapped her hands twice, making a portal materialise beside her. Fortunately, it wasn't made out of her hair. Two gigantic hands, fully equipped with a dashing pair of bright-yellow rubber gloves, emerged from... where ever they came from. The pair didn't waste a second before swooshing throughout the room, scrubbing the floor and wiping the walls, all the while leaving sparkly trails of bubbles in their wake.

Within a few seconds, the room was immaculately, spotlessly and flawlessly cleaned.

Bayonetta patted the Giant Chinese Master Hands™, making them purr in response. The children gawked at the pair as they disappeared back into the portal with a pop.

Toon Link asked, "How did you get _that thing_ to work for you?"

"I... don't know. I must've summoned it while I was high or something..." She shook her head, as if she wanted to get rid of the memory. The witch looked at the children and commented, "Now, if I recall correctly, there were five of you."

"Oh, Mega Man had to visit Doctor Mario for getting paint in his system, or something like that," Lucas explained, "and Villager managed to pocket one of those portals you made. Who knows what he's doing right now."

"Ah." To be frank, Bayonetta was still trying to comprehend how he managed to pocket something as vague as an Umbran portal. That Villager was an odd little one. She could never seem to read him, especially when his expression only consisted of wide, emotionless eyes and a creepy smile. Bayonetta pushed her thoughts to the back of her head, and glanced at Ness and Kirby, who were playing and giggling together joyfully in delight.

"I'm guessing you're well-acquainted with the little marshmallow," Bayonetta remarked.

"Of course! Kirby used to be our henchman!" Ness replied instantly.

Noticing Bayonetta's inquisitive expression, Lucas explained, "We made him steal candy from the kitchen and share it with the team."

"But then Meta Knight started training him more often... We couldn't meet up with him as frequently as before," Toon Link grumbled.

Bayonetta quipped, "They were training? It didn't seem like it when I snagged the little one from the kitchen."

"Really?" Ness nudged the puffball. "Did you get any candy for us ol' pals?"

Kirby shook his head, making the young psychic let out a dejected sigh and slump his shoulders.

"That reminds me... We tried sneaking into the kitchen ourselves, but the adults caught us every time," Lucas recalled.

"Oh yeah! We made Ness a lookout to warn us when someone was coming, you know, like on television! But even when he didn't see anyone, the adults catch us anyway."

"How do they do it?"

"More importantly, how does Kirby do it?"

"Maybe he inhaled something invisible to make himself invisible!"

"No, he couldn't! There's nothing in this place that's invisible!"

"How would you know? It'd be invisible!"

Almost instinctively, Bayonetta's attention drifted away from their constant bickering. Though, she had to admit; candy did sound absolutely wonderful right now. A pity that her secret stash she kept somewhere in her hair was running low. Normally, she would have made her own lollipops with witch magic and odd ingredients like baked geckos and unicorn horns, but, to her irritation, no one in the Mansion had any clue what she was talking about. She had annihilated countless statues and benches only to find out that they didn't provide her with any of her essentials. Utterly disappointing. Fortunately for the witch, she had discovered the perfect place to top-up her secret stash. A place _better_ than the kitchen.

Bayonetta asked rather suddenly, "Did the puffball really go there? To the kitchen?"

Before Kirby could reply with a nod or a shake of his head, Toon Link answered matter-of-factly, "Well, pfft, yeah. How else would he get the candy?"

"Are you _sure_ , little one?"

"Uh, now that I think about it, we didn't follow him or anything." Lucas rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "He could've taken the candy from anywhere, really."

Bayonetta snapped her fingers. "Bingo. And I think I know where the puffball got them."

"Really? Where?" the three chorused in unison.

The witch smirked. "The King Of Dreamland."

* * *

 **. . .**

 **. . . . . . .**

 **. . .**

* * *

After an eventful trip to the king's dorm, the four children, and one six-hundred year old adult, I guess, peered over the corner of a hallway.

A Waddle Dee and Waddle Doo were positioned in front of Dedede's dorm. He _was_ a king, after all. A self-proclaimed one, but that didn't stop him from having loyal companions.

"Let's go to Purgatorio!" Ness suggested enthusiastically.

"That won't be necessary, little one."

Bayonetta strutted out of their observation spot — into plain view of Dedede's Kirby-like soldiers.

The Waddle Doo hopped in front of her and glared with its single eye. "Halt! You aren't authorised to enter—"

Bayonetta thrust one of her oversized blue pistols directly in front of the guard's single eye, making him yelp in alarm. He gave the witch an awkward salute before stammering, "Uh... R-right this way!"

With a smirk of satisfaction, she sauntered into Dedede's room and the children tailed behind her. "Told you it wasn't necessary."

The room was nothing too extravagant, save for the countless portraits of Dedede himself on the walls. Apart from that, his dormitory was an overall comfortable and neat little paradise.

The children seemed to already have forgotten about their mission, because they were jumping and bouncing on the bed, like, well, children.

Meanwhile, Bayonetta rummaged through the drawers and cabinets, only to find them stocked with dense amounts of air. The witch cursed under her breath. Dedede must've found out that someone had been raiding his hoard.

She walked towards a bookshelf with books ranging from intriguing titles such as "The Zero-Point-Nine Conspiracy", "Fifty Shades of Light Black" and "Counting With Count Dracula".

Wait a second...

The 0.9 conspiracy... How could she forget. Oh, the controversy, the salt, the angry Bayonetta haters — As if she wasn't drowning in those already. The witch tried to pull the book from the shelf, just for curiosity's sake. There was a click, then a sound of a trapdoor opening, then a squawk of alarm from the witch. Unglamorously, she plummeted down the unknown, but before Bayonetta could slam her face into the ground, a coil of rope wrapped around her ankles, and the witch was suspended upside down in the air. The weaves on her chest and shoulders draped over her face (because gravity exists wow), making the witch cuss in irritation. _Damn it, Shimazaki..._

"Are you okay?" she heard Lucas ask from above.

Bayonetta didn't answer right away, for she was too busy fumbling around with her clothes— I mean, hair— I mean, _weaves_ to see where she had ended up. The answer to that was:

A dungeon.

 _Sweet_.

Literally.

She would've thought that it was used for _*cough*_ other purposes _*cough*_ , if it weren't for the heaps and heaps of candy and marshmallows and all things sweet and delicious stashed throughout the room. A stray Cucco hopped across the room and hooked a chocolate bar in its beak, making Bayonetta blink in bewilderment.

Just then, a certain penguin in a royal red robe stormed furiously into the dungeon.

"I've finally caught..." Dedede faltered, bafflement pouring into his expression, "...you?"

"Problem, sweetheart?" Bayonetta quipped, still hanging upside-down from the rope.

The king frowned and narrowed his eyes. Then, he spat, "Well, yeah, I've got a problem with you! You're the one who's been stealin' from my trove!"

"I take what I need," she said, smirking cheekily. "Now, what ever could a big boy like you want so much candy for?"

"Tch! I could ask the same for you!"

Bayonetta pretended to ponder the question. "But I'm not a big boy, am I?"

Before the penguin could retort, a shrill screech erupted from above: "TOON LINK'S COMING THROUGH!"

The Hylian swung from a rope, like a tiny, blond, fully-clothed Tarzan. Ignoring Bayonetta's panicked protests, he sliced through the rope that the witch was hanging from with a swing of his trusty sword. She collided against the ground with a painful 'oof', while Toon Link slammed straight into the opposite wall.

"I'm okay," the Hylian wheezed, sliding raggedly off.

Bayonetta huffed and tried to heave herself back on her heels, until something plushy and soft and pink landed onto her back with a "poyo". Then, another weight called Ness unceremoniously launched itself onto the witch, squishing Kirby in the process. Dedede watched the three get into a childish cat fight with a dumbfounded look on his pretty little bird face.

"What in the heck is happenin' right now?" he asked Lucas, who had climbed down the rope Toon Link had been swinging from like a logical person.

"Well, Ness is being Ness, I guess." The three had finally untangled themselves, and Lucas sighed, "I told you footstooling didn't work in real life."

Meanwhile, Toon Link had stumbled towards the commotion with pockets full of candy, but before Dedede could notice, he mused, "Man, you must be dededemented to own a dungeon like this."

Dedede narrowed his eyes.

Bayonetta grinned in amusement. "I don't know about you, but having your own dungeon seems dededelightful!"

Dedede's face twisted with dededisgust.

Lucas giggled and joined in the fun. "I gotta agree with you there. What if a dededisaster strikes and we have nowhere to hide?"

Dedede's face started to turn red.

"We'll all dededecease!" Ness shrieked, throwing his arms in the air for emphasis.

Smoke billowed from Dedede's tiny bird nostrils.

"Okay, okay!" Lucas tried to stifle his laughter. "We should stop before he gets crippling dededepression."

Dedede whipped out his jet-hammer.

"Whoa-ho! Brace yourselves for total dededestruction!" Ness exclaimed in mock terror and skedaddled away from the fuming penguin.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Toon interrupted, keen on distracting the self-proclaimed king. "Where did Kirby go?"

As if on cue, a sound like a vacuum cleaner buzzed into the dungeon. Dedede looked completely torn between bashing the four to a pulp and dededefending his precious, precious trove. To their dededismay, Dedede dededecided on the former. "Y'know what? Screw the food! Y'all are unbearable!"

"Do your worst," Bayonetta crooned. She blew a kiss towards the penguin before back-flipping elegantly away. Her quick and agile movements were infuriating him to the brim. Suddenly, Dedede let out a very bird-like screech. The witch had summoned Madama Butterfly's glorious hands to snag a whole bundle of lollipops from his hoard.

Oh, the struggle of being a bottom-tier...

* * *

 _ **A/N.**_

 _wOWOW!1! A HIATUS AFTER THA FIRST CHAPTER!11one!_

Ahem, as of the time I'm posting this, this fic currently has over 200 visitors, 5 Favourites, 5 Follows and 4 Reviews on the first chapter. I'd say we're off to a pretty good start. Hopefully, the momentum carries on, but nonetheless, thanks for the support! Really appreciate the reviews, so keep 'em coming; no matter how lengthy they are! **o3o**

 _Some probably vague jokes in this chapter I should probably explain..._

-If you're into competitive Smash, you probably know about the 0.9 launch-rate in a set involving CaptainZack and Komorikiri during Genesis 3.9 a few months ago. Basically, the two weren't playing on proper settings and it stirred up a lot of heated debates yadda yadda, Google it lol.

-Mari Shimazaki designed Bayonetta's outfits, and she apparently ships BayoJeanne. Thus, she's a wonderful person :D

-The Giant Chinese Master Hands™? I... don't know. _(But it's not meant to be offensive in any way lol)_

Hopefully (but probably not) I'll get around to posting enough chapters to tighten the bond between Bayo and the children before Mother's Day. I've got most of them written, they just need lots of touching up. Meanwhile, feel free to drop some feedback and suggestions on how the crew could fluck around with the rest of the characters.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to procrastinate some more :^)


End file.
